What does the 4th of July mean to you? To most people in America it means a celebration! A Patriotic Moment to embrace and be grateful for the freedom that comes with living and belonging to this wonderful country!
Red, White and Blue decorations everywhere!
BBQ's, block parties, get together's, friends and family.
Bright sparklers, Fireworks, Strawberry Shortcake, ice cream, watermelon and burgers and hot dogs.
It's a day we all look forward to and often plan for a month in advance.
Yep, 4th of July is a day that brings smiles to our faces and sun burns to our shoulders.
This year was a completely different path though. A path of heartbreak, tears and grieving.
My beautiful and loving Blonde Barbie Doll, Reagan passed away on 4th of July. An ending to the day that I was not expecting.
Reagan was not feeling herself starting on Sunday, July 3rd. She was very constipated and asking to go out every hour to try to go to the bathroom. Struggling for close to 20 minutes each time. Knowing that just finished switching her to a raw diet and constipation being a common side effect for the first couple of days I didn't worry too much about it on Sunday. That evening I chose to sleep on the couch though so it would be easier and faster for her to wake me while she was taking her hourly trips out back. I didn't want her to worry about figuring out how to get me up too.
By mid Monday morning we were not having any luck and I could see how uncomfortable and miserable the struggle was making Reagan so I packed her up in the car and off to the Animal Emergency Room we went. My thought was were would go in and get her an enema to make her comfortable and be on our way home again. When the vet came into the exam room I quickly realized this was not the way the visit was going to go. She shared her suspicion of my greatest fear. Cancer. No!!!!! I immediately start crying. She explains we need to do an ultrasound and x-rays' to confirm, so Reagan and I have a seat on the floor and wait an hour for the ultrasound and x-ray machine to be available. I call my mom to let her know about the possible cancer and then quickly get off the phone so I could spend as much one on one time with Reagan as possible. We lay on the floor together and she can see how sad I am so she lays next to me with her head on my lap and stays there so patiently and calmly. I can't tell if she is doing it to comfort me knowing I am sad or if she is doing it to say "yes momma, I am not well and I am soooo sorry" Either way, what ever scenario of her thoughts that I had going through my head were breaking my heart.
My mom rushed over to meet me at the ER to also spend as much time a possible with Reagan and to also be there for me so I wasn't alone during this inconsolable time.
We spent over an hour laying on the floor of the exam room with each other while waiting for the Dr to come in to get her for the X-Ray and Ultrasound.
Once the Dr did come in to take Reagan for the tests, it seemed as though mom and I sat in that exam room for days waiting for her to return. Then just like that she was standing right in front of me with a concerned look on her face. I didn't even need to hear what she had to say. I instantly knew that my world just came crashing down on me.
My poor sweet Reagan's body was riddled with cancer. Her liver and spleen were both full of multiple masses and there was a mass that was blocking her colon which was why she couldn't poop. It was also quite clear that the cancer had already begun to spread to her brain which was causing her minor head jerks and spasms. Those would only get worse.
I had no choice now, Though I wanted to be able to take her home and spoil her one last day with a bucket list of things she loved and have her beloved friends (Her vet Judy and Henry) be there to say goodbye, I knew that the fact that she wasn't able to poop at all and I wasn't able to get a hold of Judy and Henry meant that delaying this any more would just be torturing her and I couldn't do that. They brought her in so I cold hold her and wrap my arms around her and my mom and I both just held her as tightly as possible and cried while we said goodbye. They have her the injection in her IV and all too soon she took her last breath, in my arms.
I couldn't stop crying. We loaded her body into the back of my mom's Jeep and we took her to the Pet Crematory where I had my last moment to hold her and say my good byes while I made the arrangements for her cremation and urn. I was in a complete haze my entire drive home and when I walked into my house, my very empty feeling house I fell to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably. Feeling like I would never be able to stop or lift myself up. Everywhere I looked was Reagan, Her air mattress, her blankets, her rugs, her dog beds, her crate, her food bowl that was still full from the food she wasn't able to eat that morning. Everything was my sweet Reagan.
To me 4th of July will never again be that celebratory day with friends and family. 4th of July will be the day I will always remember as the day I had to say goodbye to the sweet girl who saved my life just over a year earlier.
I love you Reagan, More than I could every show. There were no limits to how much mommy loved you and will miss you.
