4th of July Forever Changed - RIP Reagan

What does the 4th of July mean to you?  To most people in America it means a celebration!  A Patriotic Moment to embrace and be grateful for the freedom that comes with living and belonging to this wonderful country! Red, White and Blue decorations everywhere!  BBQ's, block parties, get together's, friends and family. Bright sparklers, Fireworks, Strawberry Shortcake, ice cream, watermelon and burgers and hot dogs.  It's a day we all look forward to and often plan for a month in advance.  Yep, 4th of July is a day that brings smiles to our faces and sun burns to our shoulders. This year was a completely different path though.  A path of heartbreak, tears and grieving.  My beautiful and loving Blonde Barbie Doll, Reagan passed away on 4th of July.  An ending to the day that I was not expecting.  Reagan was not feeling herself starting on Sunday, July 3rd.  She was very constipated and asking to go out every hour to try to go to the bathroom.  Struggling for close to 20 minutes each time.  Knowing that just finished switching her to a raw diet and constipation being a common side effect for the first couple of days I didn't worry too much about it on Sunday.  That evening I chose to sleep on the couch though so it would be easier and faster for her to wake me while she was taking her hourly trips out back. I didn't want her to worry about figuring out how to get me up too. By mid Monday morning we were not having any luck and I could see how uncomfortable and miserable the struggle was making Reagan so I packed her up in the car and off to the Animal Emergency Room we went.  My thought was were would go in and get her an enema to make her comfortable and be on our way home again. When the vet came into the exam room I quickly realized this was not the way the visit was going to go.  She shared her suspicion of my greatest fear.  Cancer.  No!!!!!  I immediately start crying. She explains we need to do an ultrasound and x-rays' to confirm, so Reagan and I have a seat on the floor and wait an hour for the ultrasound and x-ray machine to be available.  I call my mom to let her know about the possible cancer and then quickly get off the phone so I could spend as much one on one time with Reagan as possible.  We lay on the floor together and she can see how sad I am so she lays next to me with her head on my lap and stays there so patiently and calmly.  I can't tell if she is doing it to comfort me knowing I am sad or if she is doing it to say "yes momma, I am not well and I am soooo sorry"  Either way, what ever scenario of her thoughts that I had going through my head were breaking my heart. My mom rushed over to meet me at the ER to also spend as much time a possible with Reagan and to also be there for me so I wasn't alone during this inconsolable time. We spent over an hour laying on the floor of the exam room with each other while waiting for the Dr to come in to get her for the X-Ray and Ultrasound. Once the Dr did come in to take Reagan for the tests, it seemed as though mom and I sat in that exam room for days waiting for her to return.  Then just like that she was standing right in front of me with a concerned look on her face.  I didn't even need to hear what she had to say.  I instantly knew that my world just came crashing down on me.  My poor sweet Reagan's body was riddled with cancer.  Her liver and spleen were both full of multiple masses and there was a mass that was blocking her colon which was why she couldn't poop.  It was also quite clear that the cancer had already begun to spread to her brain which was causing her minor head jerks and spasms.  Those would only get worse. I had no choice now,  Though I wanted to be able to take her home and spoil her one last day with a bucket list of things she loved and have her beloved friends (Her vet Judy and Henry) be there to say goodbye, I knew that the fact that she wasn't able to poop at all and I wasn't able to get a hold of Judy and Henry meant that delaying this any more would just be torturing her and I couldn't do that.  They brought her in so I cold hold her and wrap my arms around her and my mom and I both just held her as tightly as possible and cried while we said goodbye.  They have her the injection in her IV and all too soon she took her last breath, in my arms.  I couldn't stop crying. We loaded her body into the back of my mom's Jeep and we took her to the Pet Crematory where I had my last moment to hold her and say my good byes while I made the arrangements for her cremation and urn.  I was in a complete haze my entire drive home and when I walked into my house, my very empty feeling house I fell to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably.  Feeling like I would never be able to stop or lift myself up.  Everywhere I looked was Reagan,  Her air mattress, her blankets, her rugs, her dog beds, her crate, her food bowl that was still full from the food she wasn't able to eat that morning.  Everything was my sweet Reagan. To me 4th of July will never again be that celebratory day with friends and family.  4th of July will be the day I will always remember as the day I had to say goodbye to the sweet girl who saved my life just over a year earlier. I love you Reagan, More than I could every show.  There were no limits to how much mommy loved you and will miss you.

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My Beautiful Barbie Doll, Reagan!

So one year ago, on April 17, 2015 I stopped off at the Nevada Humane Society after work to meet a dog that they had emailed me about.  With Cody's passing being so recent I was struggling with the idea, but I decided to go with the helpful prompting by my mom and my boss.  My mom meets me there and we find the dog that I was emailed about but he was soooooooo  much of a barker and jumper and was trying to climb out of the kennel.  I sadly decided he was a bit much for me, especially knowing that sparky was going to have such a difficult time as it was accepting a new sibling in the house.  She also has a history of beating the crap out of every dog she has ever met, regardless of their size.   As I am walking form kennel to kennel I come across this very calm, timid, quiet blond girl.  I kind of fell in love with her at first sight.  We arranged to go to the meeting area and she was  so sweet and independent.  No interest in playing with the ball though.  No barking, no jumping.  Just very chill.  Well, at that moment I decided that she was a new member of the DarkNite Manor Family.  So Home we went.  Well, actually it was more like to Petco we went, since I had NO Doggy supplies for her.  We spent a few hours at Petco buying everything needed for her new home and then we headed home.

The name the shelter had for her was Felicity.  That was just not suiting for her at all.  So I renamed her Reagan.  Yes, she is named after one of my biggest heroes, Ronald Reagan.  She is a 10 year old girl who had obviously just recently had puppies.  That absolutely broke my heart.  Who lets a 10 year old dog get pregnant?  how could they let that happen.  Then I discover while going over all of her documents that not only was she pregnant and just recently gave birth but she was also found and rescued while living on the streets fending for herself.  Turn on the tears.  This poor sweet girl!  She was so calm and so loving.  Who could do this to her. She will never spend another day in her life ever wanting or needing a thing.  She and I made a deal at that moment that she will have a loving home for the rest of her life and be happy and safe in exchange for me spoiling her rotten every chance I get.

Sparky was not so welcoming.  She stood in the laundry room entrance to the house and screamed at Reagan refusing to let her in the house.  Poor Reagan was more than willing to oblige so she turned around and headed back out to the car.  No, no, no...  Lets move past this now.  So finally, after hiding behind me, Reagan finally scurried past Sparky and Sparky was chasing her down the hall letting her know she wasn't welcome.  Ugh....

Reagan quickly become a fixed member of the family and a fixed part of my heart.  The first week or two was interesting as we adjusted to each other and new routines on both of our parts.  This is when I finally had to accept the reality that my sweet Barbie Girl was deaf.  Yep, Deaf.  She couldn't hear anything... well except for the occasion really really loud noise.  This would explain why she was so calm and never barked.  Not to mention she was soooooo hard to wake up int he mornings.  She fought me like a toddler when it came time to get up.  If I turned the light on she would take her paw and cover her face.  If I tried to egg her on by lifting her head or her paws she would let her entire body go limp so it was like lifting dead weight. then when I let go she would roll over and face away from me  She is NOT a morning girl.... Just like her mommy ;) LOL

There was one time that she actually intentionally barked that was not in her sleep.  About 3 months after she moved in, I had a tree trimmer at the house cleaning up my trees and while Reagan and I were chilling on the couch he walked up to the door to ring the bell.  The blinds on the window by the door were open so she was able to see outside and all of a sudden she went from laying down to sitting half way up and alert and barked THREE times!  in a row!!  But that was it.  She didn't get up.  She didn't move... Just barked three times then laid back down.  LOL  Lets not get crazy with the effort expected out of her.   I was looking at her so stunned and with my jaw on the ground that I almost forgot to go answer the door.

As the months went by she started moving a bit more stiff and slower than usual an her swollen baby belly wasn't tightening up at all. I was a little concerned but figured since she was 10 years old then she probably doesn't bounce back like she used to.  It didn't matter,  every day and week and month that went by gave me cause for more ways to spoil her.  She now has not only 7 beds in the house.  One in the bedroom, One in the Art Studio, One outside in her kennel, one in her crate in the kitchen, one in the kitchen next to her crate, and Serta dog bed in the living room and last but most certainly not least... She has a human twin size air mattress set up in the living room for her.  That is by far her favorite.  A few months ago she stopped being able to jump up on the couch so I thought she deserves to have a comfy bed she CAN get on to.  So she has the bed, pillows and blankets on it all for her.

After a visit with the Vet it was determined she was probably closer to 12 and her swollen belly was actually enlarged organs.  The days we have together are certainly numbered and each day together is a gift.  She has outlasted the time that the vet first estimated we would have together and I think we love each other so much that we will make the best out of the time left.  She is the sweetest girl and the most loving.  Sweet, Calm and such a personality it kills me.  She is so smart and definitely knows how to play mommy, but that's ok.  Mommy doesn't mind it one bit.  :) 



I don't know how long my sweet Barbie Doll and I have together but she will be completely spoiled rotten for every moment that we have.  Every minute and every hour.  She will know nothing but love and safety and comfort.  That is my promise to her.

We have now celebrated a birthday and our 1 year anniversary with each other. Looking for many more reasons to celebrate still.

I love you my beautiful Reagan!  Sweetest girl in the world!

I'm a slacker! Brief Update

Ok, So I know I am a major slacker right now.  I haven't posed on here in a long time.  Well a lot of good and very bad things have happened in the past year.
New job position, Yay!!
Discovered my relationship was a complete sham.  Turned out to be a complete lie, and was being used as a bank account till the favors and money weren't needed anymore and  then came the bullying and threats.  So of course that was followed by a major depression and more major trust issues.
Next my sweet baby boy cat, Cody, passed away expectantly which absolutely destroyed me!
Then I rescued a sweet and wonderful deaf dog named Reagan who has saved me from some horrible times and I love her to the moon and back.
I've reached my 7 years Sober Birthday.  7 years.  Wow.  Big pat on my back. :)

I plan to make some special posts for these two babies but I figured I needed to jot some thoughts down now.

Sorry for disappearing again.  I can't say it won't happen more because it probably will but I can say I will try not to let it happen for too long.  ;)